Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
