Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
