Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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