The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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