And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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