did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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