He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
