I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
