I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
