Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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