I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
