I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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