My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
