woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
