the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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