The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
