Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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