My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
