i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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