I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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