Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize