when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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