my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
