I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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