is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
