he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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