Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
