jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
