I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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