My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
