I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
