At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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