i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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