so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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