Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
