he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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