first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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