hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
