i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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