the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The best revenge is premature balding
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just found a bag of teeth...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
