I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
