Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
