so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize