Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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