I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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