how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
