you mean i was at the winter classic?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
