Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
