I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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