make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
