the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Randomize
