I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
