I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
