I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
