mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
