someone threw a dead crab at me
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
