the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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