I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
