I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
